- September 1st, 2009
School is going to be starting up again soon. I really don't know why I go to college, besides the fact that the one up here is incredibly cheap for my family, and I feel like I have an obligation to them. Perhaps you know that feeling, the one where you love someone incredibly, and would end up doing anything for them, even as you've realized as you've grown in one way or another, there are many things you *don't* love about them? Hope it's okay I'm using my journal for things like this, but it's incredibly nice to be able to vent like this...
Irl, I listen to what people say more then I talk. That leads a lot of people to think I'm interested in them and want to be friends, I guess, and i can understand; this is a society where so few people do that... :/ However, the problem is that despite the fact that I'll stand up for anyone's right to believe in something, trying my damndest to be friendly, and hopefully coming up with a funny joke or reassuring comment at some time... I'm actually scared shitless of human interaction. Pathetic, right? ;P So yeah, I actually am beginning to think I sabotage relationships (friends, girlfriends, everything) unless people understand my random need to retreat from the limelight and hide indoors, close the blinds, and relax with a good book, a video game, and a cup of black coffee.
My family has always supported me in whatever I do. When I began to repair stuff that was going old and worn instead of throwing it out, they thought it was cool and thrifty. When I started collecting junk to rebuild my computer, they thought i was cool and technical. Hurrr. The blue violing that sounds like a cat attacking a lawnmower fighting a blackboard? That's artistic. So I have an incredibly hard time saying no to them, or probably to anyone who actually gets close to me as a great friend. So I guess one of my problems is that although I'm good at standing up to faceless bullies, fascist interlopers, and the politicians that ride their atv's into town trailing cash and corruption, I suck at sticking up to my friends. It actually feels kind of good to know that, but I wish I could, I really wish I could.
I want to say 'How can you do this to yourself? You never move from one spot. You're always staring listlessly at the tv, and watching fox news. FOX NEWS. You don't even agree with it, so why are you watching it? You're essentially stopping my sister from fulfilling her life. I don't mind if my life is like that, but can't you let go of her, at least? Your bellies are spilling out of your shirts, you're killing yourselves slowly, can't you see?' Lol, I'll never say anything like that, though. I'm too much of a coward.
Being an insomniac is horrible and wonderful. I go on two-hour long walks in the middle of the night, and have yet to be stopped by the police, which is great... and lucky. Do you ever stare at the monitor and hallucinate things? Like stories that may or may not be based on reality, but seem to come to life, only to fade away when you wake up?
Dream Diary: There was an endless hallway that seemed to be going in all cardinal directions; north, south, east and west. I'd been walking east for a long time; I knew I had been, because there was a compass floating in the air next to me. The hallway finally started to grow dimmer, and all of a sudden, there was no path beneath my feet. Instead of falling however, the moon was hanging above my head, glowing with the same reassuring silver that reminds of that night long ago. An electric thrum was nearby, and I curled up under a redwood tree, feeling safe. I miss that place.
P.S. This may sounds heavy, but it's just how I process my thoughts.. Oddly, I actually feel incredibly good today, and it's amazing how therapeutic it is to write this stuff down. Feel free to comment or not as you like, my friends. :)